Friday, June 04, 2010

Video game number one hundred and forty nine: Zeno Clash Ultimate Edition

Video game review number one hundred and forty nine in my 365 Games in 365 Days project is "Zeno Clash Ultimate Edition"

I have no idea what Zeno Clash is, or why this is the ultimate edition. Generally, but the time a game warrants a "Legendary", "Ultimate" or "Greatest Hits" edition you've heard of it...but this one is just sort of out of the blue. I figured I'd give it a try, because it's new and all. I'm about 9 games behind on my project, so here we go....

In the opening sequence, you're introduced to a ton of freaky characters sitting at a dinner table. I don't know who they are...but they look like they jumped out of the Dark Crystal or something. They are sort of scary. Plus 1.

Next, I jumped into the game itself. Uh oh. Right off the bat...from the graphics, I could tell this was a game I wasn't going to want to play. It looks like ass. Actually, it looks like ass, covered in ass, played on a tv in the middle of an ass factory.

I decided to pop into the first "Tower Challenge"...because it's a pure fighting mode that offers an achievement if you can get to the fifth level. This is a first person combat came, so character was a pair of floating hands. I flashed back to Doom, which I had been playing only moments ago. My floating hands took on some pretty strange enemies. A few of them were the freaky Dark Crystal dudes I had seen in the opening screen a few moments ago. When you hit them, they screech like eagles, except for one that looks like a pig. When you hit him, he (predictably) screeches more like a pig.

The "Tower challenge" consisted of waves of enemies you'd have to fight, before some stairs would magically drop from the ceiling and you'd climb up to the next level. Once you reached the next level, there wasn't a princess, a gold coin...or even a little mushroom telling you that you'd have to try another house. Instead, you'd get some more enemies to fight. I'm not sure anyone would ever walk into a tower like this...unless there was a princess at the top, or maybe some money. Maybe my character just has anger problems, and the only way he takes care of them is by walking up towers fighting people. Who knows.

It took me at least 5 tries, but I finally learned how to beat all the enemies and got my first achievement. I probably should have quit, but like a rotten glass of milk ...I had to take one more sniff just to make sure it was in fact rotten.

I booted the campaign. I was greeted by a lumpy monster who taught me the basic moves I had already learned by myself during the Tower Challenge. Your monster sounds like someone trying to do a Yoda who isn't quite sure what Yoda is supposed to sound like. Not-Yoda asked me to kick some birds. I did. He asked me to fight some practice enemies. I did that too. Next, Not-Yoda asked me to shoot some birds. What the hell does this guy have against birds, anyway? I complied...begrudgingly.

I played the next couple of missions of the campaign. I honestly don't know why I did this. The graphics were a bit better in the campaign than in the tower, but the fights were just as lame. Shortly after the first battle, you hook up with a special ladyfriend. She keeps calling you "Cack", which might be your name. Whenever an enemy hits her, she makes sex I let her get beat up a lot.

There's a story....but it has some pretty silly dialog. It's a combination of bad voice acting and bad writing. I can't be 100% sure, but I think the main character (Cack?) was describing "Fathermother" as someone who peed herself and starved to death "Because that's just what she did". He goes on to describe one of the Pig guys as someone who eats people "Because that's just what he did". I must have misheard what they were saying. The game can't actually be this silly, can it?

Since I've never heard a peep about this game before, I had to look up some other reviews. Surprisingly enough, some folks actually thought this was a good game. I'm not sure which parent dropped them on their heads at birth, or what kind of drugs they were smoking that day...but let me assure you, this is NOT a good game. This is, in fact...a terrible game. It's the kind of game you'd boot up just to show someone how bad it is, and then you'd laugh at it together. If there's anything I've learned from the's that there are plenty of people on it who like to pretend bullshit is awesome. Remember the hype for Snakes on a Plane before it ever came out? How about the love of American Idol reject William Hung? The line must be drawn here. This farther!

Remember my review of Deadly Premonition? Despite all the internet love for that terrible game, it still sucked. Zeno Clash deserves a bad review just like that one did, except I don't really feel like writing down 37 other things you should do instead of playing this one. In fact, I'm going to go ahead and say that if you are curious enough to play probably deserve exactly what you'll get. I had an excuse for playing it. I didn't know just how bad this game would suck. You've been warned.

Overall Score? 1/10. Terrible, terrible game. Perhaps if it came free with a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch I'd think it had some value. On Xbox Live Arcade, this game currently costs 1200 points...which will buy you an entire album of Rock Band DLC, or any other game on Xbox Live Arcade that you might like to play. The only way you should spend 1200 points on this piece of garbage is if you already own EVERY OTHER PIECE OF CONTENT that will ever be released on Xbox Live...and you have 1200 points left over.

Achievements? Here's the one I got. There are many others, but that would require more gameplay...which is not something I'm willing to do.

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