Sunday, March 07, 2010

Video game number sixty eight: Deadly Premonition

Video game review number sixty eight in my 365 Games in 365 Days project is "Deadly Premonition".

This game is awful. I had no idea what it was about before I played it, so I read the IGN Review which gave it a 2/10. Since I went through the trouble of borrowing this game, I figured I'd play it anyway, just to give it my own chance. If it sucked, then I'd have the rest of the day to play better games (I am thinking of playing a little more Mass Effect 2 today). If it ended up being a diamond in the rough, well then...I could keep playing it and have a pleasant time.

Unfortunately for me, this game sucks balls. IGN's 2/10 review is almost generous. I'm going to give it a 1, because it's truly one of the worst video games I've ever played. Here's the one stupid achievement I got:

I'm not even going to spend any more time reviewing it. That would be a waste of space on the internets, and there's no sense in doing that. Instead, I'm going to use this post to give you some excellent alternatives to playing this game. I wasted 37 long minutes playing this awful excuse for a video game (minutes I wish I could have back). To ensure this never happens to anyone else, here are 37 other things you could (and should) do before you even think about popping this vile software into your game console:

1. Spend 37 minutes trying to invent a time machine. Even if you can't invent a time machine in just 37 minutes, you'll still feel like the time was more productive than you would if you'd spent it playing this game. If you actually manage to invent a time machine in 37 minutes, please email me. I'd like to borrow it, so I could go back and tell myself not to play this game. Not even for 37 minutes.

2. Watch a full episode of the TV series "Friends" and then take a nice, relaxing dump. I've watched most of the episodes of that series, and I can personally guarantee you that each one has a better story than this video game does. Even if you somehow manage to find one that doesn't (and trust me, that's going to be difficult)'ll enjoy your time on the toilet more than you'd enjoy this video game. By the way, if you need more than 7 minutes to take a nice, relaxing dump...please feel free to watch the episode of Friends on your DVR, or on a DVD from Netflix. The lack of commercials will give you several extra minutes, which will be perfect for pooping.

3. Take your dog for a walk. Even it's raining and you don't like your dog very much. If you don't have a dog, then spend 37 minutes trying to find a neighbor that does have one...and ask them if they'd like you to walk it. I guarantee it will be more fun than playing this game.

4. Do the dishes. Yes, doing the dishes is work (and not fun)...but trust me, slogging through this bullshit game to get one achievement is much less satisfying than having an empty sink and a full dish rack.

5. Call 7 random friends and have a 6 minute and 15 second conversation with each of them, about nothing. I promise it will be more interesting than the dialog in this game.

6. Drive to the nearest bowling alley in your town, walk into the "arcade" there, close your eyes, spin around 4 times, then put five dollars into whatever game you're standing in front of. I guarantee it will be more fun than Deadly Premonition, and it will only cost you 5 bucks. If 5 bucks isn't enough cash to last you whatever time you have left after driving to the bowling alley (and factoring in the drive back)....then just go up to the counter and ask if you can sniff the rental shoes until your clock runs out. The resulting odor will surely stink less than this game did.

7. Travel to the body of water nearest your home, and take a good long look at it. I don't care if it's a Mr. Turtle pool in your back yard, or a sewage plant....I assure you this water will be nicer to look at then the horrible squares of wavy white and blue lines some jackass thought would look like a river in this game. They literally took one square, replicated it 1000 times and hoped you would think it was a surging river.

8. Go on a Snipe hunt. Clap your hands three times and yell "Snipe". They're tricky to find, but fun to look for. Spent 37 minutes searching.

9. Drive to the closest Wal-Mart and try to snap a picture for the People of Walmart and then come back home and send it in to the website.

10. Read a book. Any book you have handy. If you don't have a book handy, go get a book...and read it for 37 minutes. You'll be more entertained than you would have been if you played this video game, even if you can't actually read.

11. Spend the next 37 minutes catching up on past reviews from this project that you may have missed. As boring as they might be, they are vastly more entertaining (and informative) than Deadly Premonition will be for you.

12. Find a piece of junk in your house (anything that you don't use or want anymore), and spend 30 minutes listing it on Ebay. Write an amazing description for it, take some cool pictures...then see how much money you can get someone to pay for this unloved item. I wish I would have spent my time putting a few Star Wars figures I don't want anymore up for sale online. Be sure Save the 7 minutes you have left over for after the item sells, because you'll need to drive it to the post office, won't you?

13. Exercise. Yeah, I said it. America is getting fatter folks, and I don't care who you could stand to lose a pound or two (or at least tone those rock hard abs of yours). Grab your music player, put on some running shoes...and go for a jog. If the weather isn't cooperating, spend some time inside exercising instead. I'll bet your cable company has that free on-demand channel where you can find free workouts that take 10 minutes or so. Do three of them, then take a shower for 7 minutes.

14. Spend 37 minutes writing your own song, then record it and upload it to youtube. If you're awesome, you just might find yourself becoming the next internet superstar. If you'd like a topic, I suggest writing about your house pet. It worked for this guy.

15. Take your lunch break, even if it's on the weekend. Millions of people take a 30 minute lunch break every day at work. Personally, I think an hour is a much better amount of time to eat a lunch....but it can be done in 30 minutes, and you have 37. I've never gone on a lunch break and come back as disappointed as I was after spending 37 minutes playing this game, so I think you're going to be ahead of the curve wherever you eat. I suggest Taco's very quick and it doesn't cost a lot. Just be sure to factor in some extra time to "run for the border" (if you know what I mean).

16. Grab a piece of blank paper, even if all you have around is spiraled notebook paper...and draw a picture. If you have magic markers, crayons or other art supplies....fantastic, but if not, this masterpiece can be created with pencil or pen. Your picture should contain the following 7 items: Ladybug, Zombie, Sheriff, Twin children, SUV, Tree, and Generator. Once it's done, stick it onto your fridge with a magnet. The next time you have friends over, ask them to take a look at your wonderful creation. They're going to see the picture and say: "What the heck is this? Why is it hanging here? Did a kid draw this? It doesn't make any sense.". Don't give them any answers, but smile knowing you've just lived the life of a Deadly Premonition developer, if only for a moment.

17. Find a copy of Good Will Hunting. Fast forward to the part of the movie where he names all of his 12 brothers. Spend whatever time you have left trying to memorize this list of names, until you can say it forward and backwards. I realize I could have just typed the list here, but I wanted to make this is a pretty stupid game, and send you on a meaningless quest (just like the folks who made Deadly Premonition did for me). Unlike Deadly Premonition, some day, Good Will Hunting might actually come up in conversation (or as a bar trivia question)....and then you're going to be able to recite the "brother list" you spent 37 minutes learning. How do you like dem apples? Achievement Unlocked.

18. iNTerWeb PR0N. Seriously...why didn't I just spend my time doing that instead?

19. Watch all of the clips in this 10 Best Video Game freak-outs of all time list. Rest assured that Deadly Premonition is not anywhere near cool enough to illicit this sort of reaction from any gamer (sane or insane), but these should be entertaining to watch just the same.

20. Listen to either of Weird Al Yankovic's amazing 10+ minute songs: "Albuquerque" or "Trapped in the Drive-thru" three times each. Afterward, you'll still have a few minutes left over to listen to your choice of most of his other songs for dessert.

21. Wait for Spring, specifically...Easter. Drive to Target. Buy a box of tasty Peeps. With whatever time you have left over, murder them in an interesting way. If you're not sure what the best way to murder a peep is, here's a site with some great suggestions.

22. Wait for Summer. Go outside on a sunny day, and get a nice sunburn on your tummy. Wait about four days until you crack and peel. At that magical moment, spend 37 minutes tearing the dead flesh from your body. This will be disgusting and also....much more fun than Deadly Premonition. If you're looking for additional incentive, you will have taken yourself one step closer to skin cancer, which is sort of like a bonus.

23.Wait for the Fall, specifically: Halloween. Spend 36 minutes carving the most awesome replica of yourself that you've ever seen....on a pumpkin. With minute number 37, go ahead and stab it a ton of times. This will save you the trouble of wanting to do this to your real head if you are ever unfortunate enough to play Deadly Premonition.

24. Wait for the Winter, specifically: Christmas time. Drive to a mall. Get into the line to see Santa. When you finally meet Mr. Kringle, convince him that he needs to skip all the houses of anyone associated with the creation of Deadly Premonition. They should already be on his naughty list, but just in case they aren't.....refuse to leave until he's added all of them, in ink. Don't worry if waiting awhile makes any of the other kids in line cry, it's for the greater good.

25. Go to Blockbuster and rent a zombie movie. I don't care which one. Fast forward to the first scene that has zombies in it and watch 37 minutes of it from that point on. I guarantee you, the zombies in whatever movie you picked are going to be infinitely more awesome than the stupid zombies in this stupid game.

26. Go to Best Buy, Gamestop or Toys R Us and find any remaining copies of Deadly Premonition (they'll probably be in the bargain bin). I'm not going to suggest you doing anything illegal or immoral (like destroying or hiding them). Instead, please spend up to 37 minutes trying to convince the clerk to allow you to hide any copies of this game that they have in stock behind any other game in the store. You wouldn't want some well-intentioned parent, grandparent, aunt or uncle on a budget to accidentally buy this game for some poor child, would you? If you have time left over after your successful mission, you may visit another store and repeat this process. You are making birthdays and holidays better for innocent gamers all over your town, I assure you.

The next ten suggestions are listed under the assumption that nothing above this paragraph has been able to sway you. The author assumes that at this point, you are still actively thinking about spending 2o bucks on this stupid game, even after reading this far. The author must assume you are either morbidly curious...or slightly crazy, so the next ten suggestions are meant for a person in either state of mind.

27. Take your twenty bucks to the bank. Cash it in for two rolls of quarters. Walk around town...find members of the opposite sex (or the same sex if that floats your boat). Hand each attractive stranger that you meet two quarters each....and ask them to call you sometime. Next, quickly walk away without giving this person your number or having any further discussion with them. This strange game will be much more fun than Deadly Premonition

28. Drive downtown, find the nearest homeless guy....and chauffeur him to the nearest McDonald's, where you will offer to buy him anything he wants to eat or drink. Afterward, drop him off wherever he may want to go. If this random adventure and ensuing conversation has not satisfied your desire for excitement, why not make a stop at the local 7/11. Whether or not you have change left over after your visit to Mickey D's, why not buy a couple of beers and get drunk together? Clearly...that twenty bucks was burning a hole in your pocket anyway, and this will be a very exciting way to spend it.

29. Spend your twenty dollars on two movie tickets to any movie in current release. Invite a friend to go with you, your treat. If you don't have any friends...BING...large popcorn and drink for you. I assure you, the plot is better than Deadly Premonition, and you'll get at least 90 minutes of entertainment instead of 37 minutes of misery.

30. Visit the nearest strip club, preferably one that has a cover charge of less than 20 bucks. Enjoy watching naked people as long as you like, and remember...every dollar that didn't go towards that cover charge can be offered up as a tip to some aspiring young college student.

31. Go to Blockbuster and rent any five games you like. You can literally close your eyes and pick any five video games, and they'll all be better than this one was.

32. Visit AM/PM. Buy forty bags of those candies that are 59 cents each or two for a dollar. There should not be any sales tax. As AM/PM has no shopping carts, simply carrying all this candy to the counter should be a fun challenge. Try to do this in only one load. Before you leave the store with all your candy, ask the clerk if they'd like a bag as a tip. If not, more for you!

33. Head downtown on a Saturday night and pay the cover to see a band you've never heard of before. Generally, the cover will be less than 10 bucks, so you'll have the cash to spring on a drink or two for yourself. The drinks will make the band better...and this evening will be better than any evening you would have spent at home playing Deadly Premonition.

34. Paypal me the twenty dollars. I swear, I will spend it in a more responsible way than you will (if you're thinking about spending it on Deadly Premonition and you don't like any of my other ideas so far). Hell, I'll even write up a detailed report of exactly how I spent it....and dedicate it to you on this blog. :-)

35. Visit Denny's. Bring a date. Did you know that you can have anything on the menu that you want for 20 bucks at Denny's? Granted, your date may have to buy her own damn food...but that could lead to an interesting conversation when the check comes. You'll get to ask: "Who do you think you're dining with, Bill Gates?" You might even get to watch your date wash some dishes.

36. Visit a store like Target or Wal-Mart around Valentines day and spend all twenty of your hard earned dollars on as many boxes of those little Necco hearts as you can buy for the money. Spend the next several hours opening them and lining the candy all up in rows. Take a picture of this masterpiece. Will it be art? Probably not...but I'll bet the picture will get a whole bunch of hits on Flickr. Be sure to link me.

37. Last but not least, if nothing in this list of suggestions has persuaded you to avoid Deadly Premonition like the plague, go ahead and play it, but please make sure you write your own review and link it here. :-)

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