This morning I was playing some Mass Effect, hoping to beat the game before I dive back into Mass Effect 2. About 3 hours into my game, I died and accidentally hit "load" on the wrong saved game. As a result, I ended up traveling back in time to the beginning of the planet I was playing on and lost three hours worth of progress. I was furious. I needed a break from Mass Effect after that and wanted to play something mindless and fun. I popped in a driving game I'd never heard of before. The game was Crash Time: Autobahn Pursuit.
This game is so bad that it's actually funny.
The in game music sounds like the kind of generic rock instrumental you might find in the middle of a sex scene of an early 1990's VHS porno movie. Not that I've ever watched one of those. I'm not sure if these are supposed to be different tracks, but it really sounded like one track that repeats over and over again on each level. A few levels in, I really couldn't stand the music anymore...and turned on my own custom soundtrack instead. Usually, I only use this after I've heard the in game soundtrack a few too many times on a great game. This time around, it took me only a few minutes before I needed it.
As I mentioned before, you're a cop...although you can't really tell from the gameplay. You have no gun, so you can't shoot out of the window and you also can't get out of the car. The only way to stop a perpetrator is to ram them over and over again until their car blows up. You have to make sure your car doesn't blow up first. I suppose that part is kind of realistic, except you can ROLL the opponent car three or four times...and it will keep going. Stopping cars by crashing into them with your 90,000 dollar BMW is ridiculous. One mission had me chasing a mini-van at speeds of well over 200KPH. Forgetting for a moment how stupid this was, I still tried to run it off the road anyway. I managed to flip or crash it at least 5 times, but it was still not at 100% damage. My indestructible car was only at 10% damage, which was nice. I finally stopped the van by slightly grazing the right bumper, which took it to that magic 100% stopping point.
Sometimes you drive cop cars that have a siren. You can turn the siren on, but no one stops or pulls to the side for it. It's one of those annoying European sirens and the sole purpose seems to be to drive the player insane. If you accidentally turn it on during a follow mission, it will END the mission, almost instantly.
You occasionally have missions that send you from point A to point B. Unfortunately, there are no waypoints or GPS, so you have to navigate by trial and error. Be careful though, driving the wrong way in traffic automatically restarts the level instantly, without warning.
The map is impossible to read, and you're often asked to chase people towards specific landmarks that aren't listed anywhere. You're just supposed to know where "the train station" is...because, well...you love this game so much that you've memorized the maps.
Overall score? 1/10. TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE game. I still liked it better than Blood Bowl, but that's the lowest possible hurdle for any game I will play this year (or ever).
Here are a few achievements I earned. Notice the one for driving 280kph...I did that on the freeway. In traffic. That's 174 miles per hour, folks. Fine if you're playing Burnout Revenge...but not "realistic" cops and robbers.